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Wednesday, 14 October 2009

living life

my head is full of ideas. my heart longs to be poured into these keys. my soul desires to be emptied.

but there is not enough time. (is there ever enough time?)

or have i simply not made time? am i too busy living that i have not taken moments to reflect? is there such a thing as being too busy living if i am pouring my time and my self and my heart into the hearts of others?

how important is it to reflect? to journal? to share what God is doing in the deepest part of me?

how much does it matter?

to most of you - i'm sure it doesn't. it's not like i'm 'pioneer woman' or even 'resolved to worship.' : )

but to me, it does. when my journal is empty, when my blog sits dormant for nearly two and a half months - there is something i know. a feeling i get. a need that is not met.

life is meant to be lived. to the fullest. but a part of me realizes that i have been far too busy to ponder what i'm learning as i live. too stressed to meditate on what God is teaching me. too engaged to muse over my thoughts. too busy living to realize that i am also dying. each day as i grow older and hopefully wiser, i am also that much closer to being home forever.

so - in light of this, i must consider: this life i am so busy living, these things i am doing, and those people i am investing in - do they see in me a reflection of God Himself? am i loving like He loves? forgiving? showing mercy and kindness? meeting people where they are?

or am i judging? gossiping? hurting? building walls? pushing people away? making them feel as if i don't have enough time?

if those things are happening - then all this busy-ness, all this life-living is in vain.

God - i don't want to live a life that's worthless. i don't want it to be about me. protect me, Father and guard my every decision. help me to reflect You and only You.

Friday, 31 July 2009

love much

Thursday, 30 July 2009

what i don't like best . . .

new things are hard for me. meeting new people. starting a new job. having a new car. making new friends. trying new things.

i've never liked new things.

but what i don't like even more are ends of things. ends of books. ends of friendships. ends of life. ends of movies. ends of seasons. ends of stories. ends of evenings. i just like it better when things keep lasting.

but since we live, then things also die. and come to an end. maybe one day i will accustom myself to this. but it still seems so un-natural. maybe it's because we, as people, are created to live forever. God has made us in such a way that - whether we recognize it or not - we have a desire to live with Him FOREVER.

and i will. and i can't wait. because all the ends of things will be over for me.

but right now, i have a pretty monumental end. and it's not my favorite. at all. i don't like it. and i wouldn't ever choose it. but, for whatever reason, God has. and i have seen His hand in this end. so i'm trusting it to be a good thing. and i'm excited to see what He has planned.

(sort of.)

tomorrow is the end of the job i've had for almost 6 years. how time quickly passes when we are living life.

among other things - i just came to the end of a great book. my sister's keeper by jodi picoult. despite a few cuss words here and there, this is one of my favorite books. and i recommend it. it's thought provoking.

"there are always sides. there is always a winner and a loser. for every person who gets, there's someone who must give."

"every fire will burn itself out, even without your help."

parenting is really just a matter of tracking, of hoping your kids do not get so far ahead you can no longer see their next moves."

"darkness is relevant."

"the human capacity for burden is like bamboo - far more flexible than you'd ever believe at first glance."

"if you sit around and think about how hot the fire's going to be, you'll never get into the thick of it."

"when you love someone, you'll do anything you can to keep them with you."

"you don't love someone because they're perfect. you love them in spite of the fact that they're not."

tomorrow night will be the end. of a job and of a story.

i'm going to watch my sister's keeper with two of my favorite people.

Monday, 06 July 2009

"presumption shows itself in me when i wrongly assume my perspecitve is complete but it is actually limited by my experiences and flawed by my sinful nature. the fact that i act on my presumptions implies in the depth of my heart i trust and prefer my view above God's."
- jennifer rothschild

knowing this, why would i ever assume or presume anything? why do i fill my mind with thoughts of what if or maybe this? why do i begin to think and dwell on things that are not proved? why do i let myself be consumed by the unreal?

because some days it seems easier to believe the untruth than it is to trust a Sovereign God.

and, satan can make the untruth seem so real in my mind. so absolute.

right now, i'm trusting you, God. at this moment, i will not believe the lies. i will not assume or presume to know or be anything more than what i am - a limited and flawed, yet forgiven child of God. grow this in me through the power of Your Son. help me to crack that rock of lies that is imbedded in my mind and heart. and, as i heave those pieces out, fill the void with Your Perfect Truth.

keep your servant also from willful (presumptious) sins; may they not rule over me. then will i be blameless, innocent of great transgression.
- ps 19.13

Thursday, 25 June 2009

the sunshine above the weather

desk organized. mail sorted. bills paid. flowers cut and displayed. fresh peas. remedy drive. conversation with a friend from the past. new book to read.

it's the simple things that make my heart happy.

this song (and artist and cd) has soon become my favorite.

Outside the thunder crashes
And the storms are gaining fast
Though it's raining in my heart
I know that you are

The sunshine above the weather
Always and forever
Your love will remain
My rock and mighty fortress
I'm walking in your promise
Your love will remain

When everything is broken
And the darkness closes in
You are never far from me
Deep inside I see

Bridge:
I fade out
I run away
But through it all you stay
The sunshine - it's breaking through when I need you
Your love will remain